"Ask a Stupid Question Day" by Marti Ronemus

A: 2♠: We're starting you off with a tough question. You've got lots of choices, but none are good. You cannot bid Hearts, as that would be a reverse (remember them?). You probably shouldn't rebid 1NT because of the wretched Clubs. Besides, with nine cards in two suits, No-trump shouldn't be your first choice (usually). You certainly cannot rebid the Diamonds... we don't rebid unsupported five-card suits, especially when they are as bad as your Diamonds. That leaves us with 2♠. It shows a minimum opener, and yes, suggests four. But your singleton will be an advantage, and you do have two honors in the suit. If your partner has no sense of humor, tuck your Club in with your Spades as you lay down the dummy.

Your result so far:

A: 2♣: Another tough one. Your primary goal is to create a forcing auction so you can find where you belong. You could bid 1♠, but that would show a five-card suit. You could Negative Double (always a crowd pleaser) but that's not usually the best choice with a strong two-suiter. Force the auction and then bid your Spades. Pard will understand that you're strong and distributional. Who knows where you'll go from that, but it should be fun.

Your result so far:

A: 3♠: What does it take to "disobey" The Law and bid past the number of trumps in your combined hands? We know Pard has only 6-9 pts., and two minimum hands should not be above 2♠ (usually). BUT! If you've got extra points, the ninth trump or an unusually shapely hand, you can do it. With this hand we've got extra points, and the placement of the ♣K on the opening lead (we can hope, can't we?) gives us just the little extra we need to go to the three-level.

Your result so far:

A: 3♥: If there were no intervening bid, we would have bid 2♥. But the intervening bid changes everything. Repeat: In a competitive auction, a raise of your partner's suit is the weakest bid you can make, regardless of level. Your jump to 3♥ does not show what it would with no interference (10-12 pts and support). It instead shows a weak hand with four trumps. We are following the Law of Total Tricks. It is descriptive and preemptive. The best of all possible worlds.

Your result so far:

A: 3 No-trumps: Pard's bid has shown 22-23 pts. I know you don't feel well, but do it anyway! Do the math, and you have game. Besides, who has to play this?
Well, actually, YOU do! You're going to play this hand in just a moment. We're switching things around so that, as South, you will have the BIG hand with the hand you just bid on the table as the dummy. Any (stupid or otherwise) questions?

Your result so far: